Frank Miller is Writing Another Batman Story Because That's Really What We Needed

You know, there are decisions made by people in this world that confuse me, maybe anger me, or even cause me to lose faith in whoever it is involved in the stupid-decision-making. Most of the time I can shrug them off and move on since, honestly, it's not like my world has been turned upside-down by someone thinking that drawing Jason Todd's helmet like this is a good idea:

And then there are some decisions that are so mind-bogglingly asinine that I'm left staring at my ceiling and wondering if maybe I somehow ended up in a parallel dimension where everything is backwards and nothing makes sense anymore.

It's been confirmed that Frank Miller is going to write, alongside Brian Azzarello, a third and final sequel to his Dark Knight Returns series called "The Master Race." Because when I think of Batman, race is definitely a topic that shoots straight to the forefront of my mind.I'm going to be pretty honest here: I can't stand Frank Miller. I hate his writing. I hate his characters. I hate that the artwork for DK2 looks like a five year-old with schizophrenia drew it. I hate that none of his female characters ever have anything redeemable about them because they're too busy shoving their tits in the reader's face. And I hate that this man continues to get work despite not having produced anything worth reading on the Batman front since 1987's Year One.

Maybe I'm destroying my "comics cred" or "Batman cred" or whatever by saying this, but honestly I think that The Dark Knight Returns and Year One are both okay at best. His characterization of the Joker in TDKR is unsettling in a way that makes me want to throw up my lunch rather than shiver with excitement and interest. The pacing in that book is also an issue, as he dedicates entire pages to drawings of anchormen/women dolling out exposition and using them as a platform for his pseudo-criticism. Year One commits the sin of just being kind of boring, with a Batman that's melodramatic and reads like a weird fanboy impersonating him than the actual character. Oh, and we can't forgot Gordon's totally necessary affair with Sarah Essen.

They're not terrible, and I would recommend reading them if for no other reason than the fact that they ARE iconic and important benchmarks in Batman's history. The fight between Batman and Superman is actually well done and engaging, but apart from that, there's nothing that's altogether worth praising in either of them. At least, not to the extent that everyone else does.

Once you get into DK2 territory and beyond, though, Frank Miller makes it clear that he's been abducted by aliens and they modified his brain in such a way that prevents him from thinking and writing and acting like a normal human being. Also, it may have regressed him back into a thirteen year-old boy mentally.

In DK2, Batman turns into a deranged, self-centered creep that treats everyone around him like their brains are made of mashed potatoes. Superman's character is turned into an incompetent fool. Carrie Kelley is sexualized and given a costume that would allow her to fit in nicely with The Cheetah Girls. Dick Grayson turns into a villain and makes himself look like The Joker because why the hell not. But perhaps the worst element of that book--aside from the atrocious artwork that really does make a case for that alien abduction re-writing his brain so he actually thinks that the world exists inside various MS Paint effects--is that Batman isn't even in the book for most it and instead Miller toggles back and forth between Carrie, The Atom, and various other Justice League members.

Then there's All-Star Batman and Robin the Boy Wonder. Just...I...I can't even fathom how this book got the green light, other than the editor at the time took one too many shots before reading the script. At the time, DC was planning on releasing a series of "All Star" books for their major characters that were designed to go back to basics and tell stories that wouldn't be bogged down by continuity. All-Star Superman went on to be considered one of the greatest Superman stories ever written, All-Star Wonder Woman and All-Star Batgirl never saw publication for various reasons, and All-Batman and Robin...became infamous for all the wrong reasons.

In ASBAR, Batman is a psychotic killer with the intelligence and perspective of an eleven year-old boy. He kidnaps Dick Grayson on the night that his parents are killed, mentally and physically abusing him for the duration of the comic. Alfred has strange romantic feelings for Bruce. Vicki Vale is a horny columnist who doesn't need to be in the story at all and at one point Batman and Robin paint themselves and their entire house yellow so that Green Lantern won't be able to use his ring on them. Oh, and the Justice League get more space and dialogue than the title characters do.

The whole thing is poorly written, badly paced, and showcases everything I hate about Frank Miller and his writing in one neat little unfinished 12-issue story:

You have the over-sexualization of women with Vicky Vale:

...in which it is of vital importance for her to be sauntering around her apartment in nothing but her underwear with giant glass windows behind her as she dictates a news story about the size of Superman's junk versus Batman's. Because superhero penises are what I want to read about when I buy a book called "All-Star Batman and Robin."

Oh, and let's not forget his commentary to Jim Lee, the artist for the book and the source of the only redeeming quality ASBAR has (the artwork):

Miller also seems to think that Wonder Woman's status as a feminist icon means that she is supposed to be a man-hating lesbian who views men as a lower species and therefore refers to them as "sperm banks:"

The trench coat is also mandatory.

Then there's his dialogue, which makes every character sound like they just walked out of Sin City. They're overly aggressive, melodramatic, and crude. And that's when they're not repeating themselves three or four times like they have some kind of disease and need to do so before feeling okay with continuing whatever it was they have to say.

His blatant mischaracterization of everyone is also front and center here. Batgirl has the mouth of a truck driver and Black Canary has become an Irish bartender with a uniform rivaling that of a premiere stripper. Green Lantern is an incompetent idiot and only marginally more intelligent than Superman, who is treated like Batman's bitch and runs across the world to bring a specific doctor to the hospital for Vicki Vale because Batman said so:

Not to mention the way Bruce treats Dick like he's some kind of annoying, unneeded appendage even though he's the one who roped him into becoming his sidekick in the first place:

This also includes demanding that he call himself Robin instead of Robin Hood, which Dick picked out, and forcing the twelve year-old to eat rats in the Batcave for survival rather than, you know, using the billions of dollars that he has to buy the kid a damn Happy Meal.

And let's not forget the subtle but frightening references to pedophilia that pop up every now and again:

Last but not least, the PURPLE. EFFING. PROSE:

 "...dear Gotham calling to me like a sultry siren." What.

His version of Batman nowadays reads a lot more like a crazed fanfiction than anything literary, or even intelligent.

I could write an entire novel on why this book is a stain on humanity, and maybe someday I'll tackle that project. But for now, my main point:

For me, this entire thing screams desperation, but I don't understand why DC should be feeling desperate. After all of the criticism that was launched at them for their New 52 reboot, they seemed to be getting at least a little bit back on track. Convergence is bringing back, at least for two months, a bunch of old characters and universes for fans that haven't seen them in three years, and their post-Convergence lineup of comics looks amazing with Starfire getting her own book along with Cyborg and Martian Manhunter. They have several major blockbusters in the works that are generating all kinds of press. There's also that marketing push that DC and Mattel are working to put together that's focused exlusively on their heroines. DC is showing signs of improvement, that they're interested in entering the year 2015 along with everyone else.

So then why do they feel the need to let Frank Miller get a hold of Batman again? What has he produced as of late that isn't a complete disaster? Why would they let a man who returned to fame because he managed to acquire Meme Status with his "Goddamn Batman" line go anywhere near another Batman title, especially given how successful Snyder has been with his Batman stories?

And worst of all, why are we rehashing a book that was written over thirty years ago when there is so much new material and directions to explore with the character?

My best guess is that there are still rabid fans out there who are stuck in the 80's and would love nothing more than to see a "classic and revered" writer come back for one last hurrah. There must be SOMEONE out there who doesn't care that Miller is a has-been, washed up writer with nothing new or non-offensive to wrestle out of his deranged and crumbling mind.

Whatever the case may be, I'm hoping that this book bombs so hard that DC is forced to tie Miller up with some industrial-quality rope and shove a few pairs of socks into his mouth before tossing him into a broom closet in the darkest, emptiest corner of their office building.

Then I will be satisfied.